Ever wonder how you make a Golden Scythe? We did too.

It's one thing to win a Golden Scythe. To make it is something else entirely.

First some background.

Each scythe (so far only one) is factory made in China. It's there that they specialize in disposable Hallowe'en trinkets. They also specialize in making them cheaply, and shipping them around the world to popular websites that offer speedy delivery.

The plastic scythe is separated manually from its cardboard packaging. First using brute force, then scissors, before finally a kitchen knife is found.

After checking for witnesses, the scythe is tested for balance and formidableness by being waved around in front of a mirror. Only when satisfied is the scythe considered ready for the alchemy process.

This part is best undertaken by experts.

With no experts available, lay out newspaper as far as the eye can see. Cover everything. We cannot stress this part enough.

Using only the finest and cheapest metallic gold spray paint, and having moved loved ones to a safe distance, spray the paint directly onto the scythe. You'll notice that it's difficult to get the paint to stick, and that it runs off the edges. This is because of the cheapness of the plastic, and not a reflection of your art skills.

Shake the can and give it another blast. The paint will run off but don't take no for an answer. Resist advice suggesting the extra expense of a tin of primer, and keep going.

After 15 minutes of this, and a second can of paint, leave the scythe to dry. Looking at your work, it's tempting at this point to think things would be easier if you could change the name of the prize to the "Golden Dining Room Table" award. That's a conversation for another time.

Whatever you do, don't let Fintan Hand know that this is what we're about to send him

After 24 hours pick up the scythe in its current state (by now you'll have learned to wear gloves) and take it outside (family will have insisted on this by now). Spray the scythe liberally with more gold paint. The plastic will have given up its resistance by now, accepting you as Midas and taking on a metallic shine. Your garden will have too.

And there you have it.

Behold. A Golden Scythe.

Stephen Bartley
@StephenBartley in News