LAPT5 Colombia: Paging the poker police

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lapt-promo.gifStanding on the rail here in Medellin, for the better part of the last hour, were two gentlemen from the local constabulary. They would have stood out even without the fluorescent yellow vests they wore, each with the word "POLICIA" emblazoned across the back. The vests, however, screamed for attention. As did the military-style uniforms underneath the vests and the handguns holstered on each man's hip.

One officer was shorter than the other, with glasses perched upon his nose that bespoke his age. The taller of the two was also the younger of the two, although both wore their hair in a close-cropped style typical of the military. They also seemed, at times, curious, perplexed, surprised and bored by the poker being played on the other side of the velvet rope that marked the rail.

Towards the end of an hour, their boredom got the best of them. They wandered over towards the table games section of the Allegre Casino to see if anything over there could lift their spirits.

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Who needs the poker police with the LAPT staff on hand?

The police officers' visit to the poker side of the casino got me wondering, though. What if we had "the poker police"?

The poker police would ensure that if you used your "one time", you could never again ask for, claim, or try to use a "one time". Repeat offenders would be sent to poker jail, where their "one time" would become "one call" before they were strapped to a desk and forced to watch the 2006 WSOP Main Event final table on an endless loop.

Players would never act out of turn if the poker police were there to ensure and enforce order of play.

Performance-enhancing drugs in poker would be a thing of the past if the poker police were allowed to stop and frisk any poker player for PEDs without any other probable cause than the fact that they're poker players.

Bashing in the skulls of any player who tells a bad-beat story that starts, "I called a three-bet out of position with 7-4 offsuit..." would be considered "justified force" if there were poker police.

The poker police would enforce the health code at the poker table. Players with radioactive stank emanating from their persons would be quarantined.

Dodging bullets would take on a whole new meaning with the poker police.

Players who make hackneyed jokes like "deuces never loses" would be ejected and barred from the premises by the poker police.

The list could go on and on. Unfortunately, however, we don't have the poker police. The poker police we did have became the baccarat police. And let me tell you, having seen how excitable some of those baccarat players can get, the baccarat tables might need the police more than we do.

POKER CRIME OF THE HOUR

A 50-something gentlemen, in full sight of his tablemates and those of us at the blogger desk, shoved a finger in his nose up to the knuckle. No clue if he found what he was looking for.

LAPT STAT OF THE HOUR

If you count the aborted LAPT Nuevo Vallarta event from 2008, LAPT5 Colombia marks the LAPT's 22nd event. And as everyone knows, "deuces never loses".

FAKE SCREAM OF THE HOUR

At the end of each level, the LAPT tournament clock plays a snippet of the theme music from the movie "Jaws". This time around, a player in the center of the room perfectly timed a fake scream as the music came to a crescendo.

Dave Behr
@PokerStars in Medellin